One of my favorite aikido teachers also gives me the willies, for reasons that are worth exploring. She teaches great stuff that nobody else quite says in a way I understand, I like her style, and she is more willing to correct me than any other teacher. For this I am grateful and I learn a lot from her classes. But she's got a lot of that strong Serra empathy, and really throws herself into other people, assumes that she knows what you're thinking and feeling, and is often right. And I'm not into that.
I'm not into it because it hits me where I live and why I am on the mat in the first place. I am taking aikido classes because my default empathy setting is a lot like this teacher's, and that default setting limits me. I'm a good person who has fought too much, and I have fought because having someone else thinking your thoughts and feeling your feelings can be creepy, and many people rightly resent it. I am trading my knees and elbows for a workable set of boundaries between me and other people, and feel good about making this trade because I am stupidly literal, and need to learn in basic Newtonian terms. I will never get why I handled your grief poorly. I'll always think that I did it right because I really understood your feelings, and you'll never convince me that I camped out in your head. But it is starkly obvious that I am not the person I am throwing. This is physically true, and must remain true or I will get caught up in the energy and flow, and throw myself right on top of my partner. Practicing this for an hour or two on most days helps me not to throw myself onto or into anyone else out there in my life. It affirms that I can listen intently to you and understand where you're coming from. But I am not you.
But the best part is that this does not unfold in a vacuum, or between me and objects. Aikido is not merely social, it's surprisingly intimate. It's not sexy, but like sex it is a highly ritualized nonverbal conversation, and everyone's coming to it with a different agenda, and working that agenda out with a partner. I am relatively new at this, so my agenda is mostly to take responsibility for my perimeter. I am here to not fall on other people; to be a good mimic of the teacher; keep flailing to a minimum; ensure my partner's safety in a crowded dojo; protect myself when I am thrown; listen for more. But most people are working on something else, and most of that agenda is, to me, incredibly mysterious. One of the biggest pitfalls of having a strong sense of empathy is the way it makes you feel like you know everything already--are everything already! And so one of the most productive things I can do is just sit with the fact that everyone is learning something different here, and that I don't get what most people are learning yet. I don't need to purse my lips or furrow my brow. I've got no reason to assume that a master would be better than me at my own personal homework.
